Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..