Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My dad is at it again
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!