My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
You Might Also Like
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.