Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon