I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Boom, boom, ching!
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”