Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
You Might Also Like
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?