What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
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*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”