[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
No Google it does not
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?