The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me irl
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Ron is short for Aaronald
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj