Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
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ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Nothing to do, you say?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.