I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.