Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
You Might Also Like
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
A double negative is a big no-no.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.