COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
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I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.