Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
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the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.