I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Does it…does it take 3 days
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave