a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
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My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now