Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace