Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
You Might Also Like
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.