Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
You Might Also Like
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island