Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?