So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
OKAY DAD
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?