You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
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Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
This makes total sense…
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”