The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
You Might Also Like
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.