Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Are we there yet?…
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.