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I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
never ask a starfish for directions
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.