I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Respect
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly