My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
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ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
No. YOU-buprofen.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?