Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall