NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]