The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish