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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*