That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Customer is always right
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.