Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it