If you had more money you’d be happier.
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u