Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.