One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
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4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.