cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
SPLOOT
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.