“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
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Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.