If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
cats when you pet them too long:
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.