I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye