Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
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the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET