My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
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[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
what are they serving at kfc then???
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it