Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.