[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”