An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
me doing my best
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge