Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.