When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.