For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
You Might Also Like
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
very niche meme I made
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
this will hang in the louvre one day
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants