I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
*updates tinder bio*
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.