[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.